Keep in mind this is just a personal preference. The order matters; however, near the bottom I just threw in some great tweets. Every tweeter mentioned has their highest ranked tweet with a link to their twitter page; I suggest you follow them all.
1. My dad “unfollowed” my family when I was 4 months old.
2. So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”
3. Adult braces
5. Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter because they’re in control of NASA, science, and their emotions.
6. If you listen carefully to a Black Eyed Peas album, you can hear the other two guys eating chips.
7. – Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?
8. Today the world’s population reached 7 billion. I like 4 of you.
9. Two truths and a lie: I milked a dog, I milked a dog, I didn’t milk a dog.
10. Didn’t support the troops, saw a bumper sticker, now do.
11. Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn’t want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.
12. So excited that The Weather Channel picked up “Weather” for another season!!
13. Just watched a guy sneeze out yogurt onto his beard. I don’t want anything anymore.
14. Santa lost me at “Better not cry.”
15. So, we’re all 100% sure about our gods, right?
17. At no point should a man have two hands on his coffee mug.
18. “No wishing for less cancer or more wishes.” – Make-A-Wish Foundation rules
19. Be careful; you are a can of soda. RT @Pepsi: “Biking along the beach to catch the sunset. Doin’ summer nights right!”
20. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by driving away right after I rear-ended someone.
21. Life is just an ‘f’ in lie.
22. This chicken is so undercooked I’m taking it to the vet.
23. By losing Dancing With the Stars, Rob Kardashian has officially become the most accomplished Kardashian.
24. Teach a man to watch television and he’ll find the fishing channel.
25. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it’s thinking about me too.
26. I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
27. Im applying to be a concentration camp counsellor.
28. “Yum!” -the lions on Noah’s Ark
29. Before we find Waldo in this picture, can we talk about how over-populated this beach is?
30. If you’re a Mayan, I don’t even know how you show your fucking face in 2013.
32. Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
33. “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Superman.” -guy who is horrible at size differentiation
34. I’ve got some terrible news: FOX
35. My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
36. I would still drop my baby off at Charlie Sheen’s house for a month before I’d let Sarah Palin run a lemonade stand.
37. Pretty sure we just need one button on blenders – the one that says “blend.”
38. I’d rather sit on a person’s knee, while they’re taking a shit, than talk to their kid on the telephone.
39. Last night my son crawled into my bed and said, “Lightning is God taking a picture,” which would be cute if he wasn’t 24.
40. “I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
41. You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out someone else’s shower.
42. Women who follow sports never shut up about being women who follow sports.
43. Kristen Stewart’s resume is just the word YAWN written in crayon.
44. Recorded my stomach making a weird noise and then played it backwards and now I’m the lead singer of Nickelback.
45. According to WebMD, I have “the Internet”.
46. There’s a guy at your wife’s office who possesses many of the qualities you lack.
47. Websites never remember me : (
48. If Occupy Wall Street continues, I may just have to find out what it is.
49. A little bird told me I’m schizophrenic.
50. Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn’t get weird.
51. The best way to get a Ke$ha song out of your head is with a bullet.
52. Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
53. My showers usually last 30 seconds, a minute if i use my left hand.
54. Prove that lightning isn’t wizards fighting. You can’t.
55. When a girl tells me to ‘hold that thought’, I grab her boobs.
56. Wow, that girl sure wears a lot of Adobe photoshop in her profile pictures.
57. I’ll never forget my first time. I can’t wait!
58. Every time I see a spider I single handedly set feminism back fifty years.
59. I’m super laid back until anything.
60. I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell “YOU DON’T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION” and run away.
61. When life gives you lemons, say thank you politely, then turn around to your friends and mouth “what the fuuuck..??”
62. Last night, my kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s the last time we go to that mall.
63. It’s weird when people have a bunch of family photos in the bathroom and then you realize you crapped your pants in the living room.
64. I always wanted Kate Plus 8 to end. But not like this. Not without a fire.
65. Today is World AIDS Day – or as they call it in Africa, “Every Day.”
66. If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.
67. I never had a date to prom but look at me now! OK STOP LOOKING.
68. I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I’m in an FBI van.
69. Can you imagine how boring that song would be if NOBODY was Kung Fu fighting?
70. Maybe there would still be dinosaurs today if the Flintstones didn’t use them as scissors, bells, dish washers and pens.
71.Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
72. If you get a hand job from a person that uses sign language to talk, is that technically a blow job?
73. Kids, watch out for razor blades in candy. They’re just empty calories!
74. Really like that club DJ. He presses play on his iTunes way better than that other club DJ presses play on his iTunes.
75. I’m not saying I’d bang legolas, but I’d bang legolas.
76. I still have no idea if Lupe Fiasco is an actual person or a concept
77. You’ve really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can’t reach it.
78. Beer before liquor, never been in a meaningful relationship.
79. Still hope to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.
80. Yes I know the muffin man!
81. If you’ve seen one emo kid, you’ve seen the mall.
82. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!
83. For an extra $20, you can purchase a mountain bike instead of a Kia.
84. The sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.
85. If NASCAR wants me to believe it’s not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines.
86. I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
87. No shirt, no shoes, no service, no boyfriend, no career, no cats (some cats!)
88. For Halloween I’m going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater properly & put it back on the shelf.
89. Adele’s ex-boyfriend should get a grammy.
90. They say getting a retweet feels like 1/8th of an orgasm.
91. Overheard today in restaurant: “Can you stop listening to our conversation?”
92. I like going to McDonald’s and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell “HA! Like I’d work here. Get me a chocolate shake.”
93. I love you more than parents love adding noses to emoticons.
94. When Christmas carolers come to our house, we loudly sing a totally different song at the same time.
95. It’s so cold I just saw some gangsters with their pants pulled up.
96. The hardest part of losing a child is pretending like you’re looking for them.
97. The only effective form of birth control for Mexicans is pregnancy.
98. Fun fact: look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistically, one of those people is James Franco.
99. You guys were so wasted at that party this weekend.
100. Remember people, if your facebook name is not your actual birth given name, you are black.
101. Where do you think Noah kept the termites on his giant wooden boat?
102. I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.
103. Now that I’ve registered, it’s really hard to unsubscribe from this sex offender list.
104. What’s worse: hearing someone crank a chainsaw in your baby’s room or fashion blogs?
105. Looks like it’s a nice day out on TV.
106. Calling someone ‘one in a million’ in China means they aren’t that special.
107. Maybe I’ll throw myself down a flight of stairs to see if anybody signs my cast “Will you marry me?”
108. What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in stuff.
109. My son says he gonna “build a Lego tower a million miles tall.” There’s no fucking way.
110. It’d be fun to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off that first mask.
111. IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT, WAIT TILL YOU GET TO WORK SO YOU CAN GET PAID FOR IT!
112. I could be famous by now, but instead I smoked weed once a few years ago.
113. AT&T always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.
114. I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.
115. I just farted for 6 seconds and now I’m a dubstep DJ.
116. Out of all of Santa’s reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
117. Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.
118. One of my therapists told me I wasn’t crazy.
119. The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.
120. Hey, supermodels– stop saying, “I’m actually really a big nerd.” Trust me. You’re not.
121. I got my wife a mirror for her birthday. That’ll show her who’s boss.
122. Sometimes at night I’ll dig a hole in the backyard, just to keep my neighbors guessing.
123. There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
124. Looking to hire a divorce photographer.
125. I remember on the day John Lennon died, I cried and cried. I was 3. It was unrelated.
126. Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car – stop steering so much.
127. The only person you have control over is yourself, or your ex if he’s tied up & you’re trying to EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO HIM, DANIEL.
128. Just realized I really only do about 5 things.
129. Still waiting to use geometry.
130. My New Years Risotto: figure out autocorrect.
131. I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”
132. Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
133. Every neck tattoo should read “I’m not getting the job, am I?”
134. Just bought a Ken doll. I don’t know what everyone’s talking about, you can’t read books on this thing.
135. I’m going to spend the last 10 minutes on my death bed beeping like a low battery alert.
136. My girlfriend was in a porno. She is going to be pissed off when she finds out though.
137. Having an erection on the bus is the new Ed Hardy
138. Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
139. I’ve heard cockroaches are the only thing that could survive nuclear winter, but I wouldn’t count out RadioShack.
140. Meant to text a girl “Wanna hang?” Wrote “Wanna gang?” She wrote “Sure.” I’ve got some serious decisions to make.
141. Can’t decide if I want to get a cat or just pay a bum to come puke behind my speakers and rub his ass in my face.
142. Need to cure your hiccups fast? Kill yourself!
143. “Manuscript” is probably the classiest place to hide the word “anus.”
144. I quit my job at the helium gas factory as I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
145. Every time I wear a leotard in public, a ballerina dies.
146. I just took a dump so epic it was narrated by Morgan Freeman.
147. My girlfriend’s been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby’s gotta be so fucking clean by now. Girls are weird.
148. I’m much nicer if you don’t get to know me.
150. No pain no gain but also no pain no pain.
151. He asked me not to think about twitter while we’re having sex. I said ok. He asked me not to tweet that. I said ok.
152. Am i alone or is it just me?
153. Dear Journey tribute bands, please stop believing.
154. Any room can be a panic room if you suddenly remember middle school.
155. Is there absolutely nothing in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
156. Waiter, there’s an I in my team.
157. “Get a womb!” – me when I see two babies making out.
158. My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
159. Thanksgiving? More like Thanks-TAKING! Am I right, Native Americans?
160. They’re not sexy and we know it.
161. How dare you diagnose me with amnesia! Do you have any idea who I am?
162. I don’t remember who slept over last night but I think he was the one.
163. I like my men like I like my A.D.D.: is that a basketball.
164. My boyfriend’s porn preference is “Brunette with small boobs that lives in the apartment below us”.
165. “Get a load of this guy!” – Employee At A Sperm Bank
166. My favorite song is “The Boys Are Back In Town” because it helps me keep track of where all the boys are.
167. When my dog’s balls hit the floor, he applies the five second rule.
168. Sing like nobody’s listening; love like you’ve never been hurt; undress like I’m not outside your window.
169. Saw this video that made me want to become vegan but then I accidentally talked to a vegan and now I’m willing to cook people.
170. I see debt people.
175. Just got introduced to a baby. Do I shake its hand?
176. Girls come and go, but the tattoos of their names stay with you forever.
177. The only thing worse than bumping into Facebook friends while you’re with your Twitter friends is when your Myspace friends try to rob you.
178. I think my barber is gay. Sometimes when I’m kissing him, he grabs my butt.
179. I hate to sound racist, but all Oriental rugs look the same to me.
180. I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
181. Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
182. I honestly can’t remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
183. Someone should do a cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Such a lovely song.
184. Guys!! I kept my cell phone on during take-off and it didn’t do anyt
185. I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
186. The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
187. This recliner and I go way back.
188. Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
189. When life hands you women, make women laid.
190. I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
191. Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I’m guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.
192. I already want to quit my next two jobs.
193. I accidentally left FB chat open and someone just tried starting a conversation with me. In a moment of panic I threw my laptop at the wall.
194. Just got a pocket dial from my ex, so yeah, we’re pretty much back on.
195. FYI- “Gurl” has the same number of letters as “Girl”.
196. Ikea is such a well-run store, they really cross their t’s and dot their a’s.
197. The only things I have in common with birds are tweeting and shitting on cars.
198. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” – Someone Who Forgot About Spiders
200. – Mom says that I’M the only reason she doesn’t take her own life. No pressure lol.