200 Amazing Tweets

FOLLOW ME: @M_Porfiri0
CHECK OUT MY BEST TWEETS: http://favstar.fm/users/M_Porfiri0

Keep in mind this is just a personal preference. The order matters; however, near the bottom I just threw in some great tweets. Every tweeter mentioned has their highest ranked tweet with a link to their twitter page; I suggest you follow them all.

1. My dad “unfollowed” my family when I was 4 months old.

2. So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”

3. Adult braces

4. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is @chrisbrown.

5. Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter because they’re in control of NASA, science, and their emotions.
– @meganamram

6. If you listen carefully to a Black Eyed Peas album, you can hear the other two guys eating chips.

7. – Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?

8. Today the world’s population reached 7 billion. I like 4 of you.

9. Two truths and a lie: I milked a dog, I milked a dog, I didn’t milk a dog.
– @meganamram

10. Didn’t support the troops, saw a bumper sticker, now do.

11. Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn’t want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.

12. So excited that The Weather Channel picked up “Weather” for another season!!
– @meganamram

13. Just watched a guy sneeze out yogurt onto his beard. I don’t want anything anymore.

14. Santa lost me at “Better not cry.”
– @MrsRupertPupkin

15. So, we’re all 100% sure about our gods, right?
– @thesulk

16. Oh, God. What did you do to her? RT @chrisbrown “please pray for Virginia”

17. At no point should a man have two hands on his coffee mug.

18. “No wishing for less cancer or more wishes.” – Make-A-Wish Foundation rules
– @meganamram

19. Be careful; you are a can of soda. RT @Pepsi: “Biking along the beach to catch the sunset. Doin’ summer nights right!”
– @Robdelaney

20. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by driving away right after I rear-ended someone.
– @PaulyPeligroso

21. Life is just an ‘f’ in lie.
– @thesulk

22.  This chicken is so undercooked I’m taking it to the vet.

23. By losing Dancing With the Stars, Rob Kardashian has officially become the most accomplished Kardashian.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

24. Teach a man to watch television and he’ll find the fishing channel.

25. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it’s thinking about me too.

26. I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
– @meganamram

27. Im applying to be a concentration camp counsellor.

28. “Yum!” -the lions on Noah’s Ark

29. Before we find Waldo in this picture, can we talk about how over-populated this beach is?

30. If you’re a Mayan, I don’t even know how you show your fucking face in 2013.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

31. My dad has cancer. RT @KimKardashian: “I hate when I get my tea perfectly sweetened then the waiter comes & fills it & ruins my whole flow!”

32. Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

33. “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Superman.” -guy who is horrible at size differentiation

– @GuyEndoreKaiser

34. I’ve got some terrible news: FOX
– @meganamram

35. My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

36. I would still drop my baby off at Charlie Sheen’s house for a month before I’d let Sarah Palin run a lemonade stand.
– @RobDelaney

37. Pretty sure we just need one button on blenders – the one that says “blend.”
– @TheBiggIdea

38. I’d rather sit on a person’s knee, while they’re taking a shit, than talk to their kid on the telephone.
– @3rdand10

39. Last night my son crawled into my bed and said, “Lightning is God taking a picture,” which would be cute if he wasn’t 24.
– @DannyZuker

40. “I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
– @meganamram

41. You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out someone else’s shower.
– @SucittaM

42. Women who follow sports never shut up about being women who follow sports.

43. Kristen Stewart’s resume is just the word YAWN written in crayon.

44. Recorded my stomach making a weird noise and then played it backwards and now I’m the lead singer of Nickelback.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

45. According to WebMD, I have “the Internet”.
– @meganamram

46. There’s a guy at your wife’s office who possesses many of the qualities you lack.
– @thesulk

47. Websites never remember me  : (
– @MrsRupertPupkin

48. If Occupy Wall Street continues, I may just have to find out what it is.

49. A little bird told me I’m schizophrenic.
– @meganamram

50.  Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn’t get weird.
– @SucittaM

51. The best way to get a Ke$ha song out of your head is with a bullet.
– @PaulyPeligroso

52. Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
– @RobDelaney

53. My showers usually last 30 seconds, a minute if i use my left hand.

54. Prove that lightning isn’t wizards fighting. You can’t.
– @thesulk

55. When a girl tells me to ‘hold that thought’, I grab her boobs.

56. Wow, that girl sure wears a lot of Adobe photoshop in her profile pictures.

57. I’ll never forget my first time. I can’t wait!
– @MrsRupertPupkin

58. Every time I see a spider I single handedly set feminism back fifty years.
– @ShelbyFero

59. I’m super laid back until anything.

60.  I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell “YOU DON’T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION” and run away.
– @SucittaM

61. When life gives you lemons, say thank you politely, then turn around to your friends and mouth “what the fuuuck..??”

62. Last night, my kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s the last time we go to that mall.

63. It’s weird when people have a bunch of family photos in the bathroom and then you realize you crapped your pants in the living room.

64. I always wanted Kate Plus 8 to end. But not like this. Not without a fire.

65. Today is World AIDS Day – or as they call it in Africa, “Every Day.”

66. If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.

67. I never had a date to prom but look at me now! OK STOP LOOKING.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

68. I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I’m in an FBI van.
– @thesulk

69. Can you imagine how boring that song would be if NOBODY was Kung Fu fighting?

70. Maybe there would still be dinosaurs today if the Flintstones didn’t use them as scissors, bells, dish washers and pens.
– @RejectedJokes

71.Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
– @SucittaM

72. If you get a hand job from a person that uses sign language to talk, is that technically a blow job?
– @PaulyPeligroso

73. Kids, watch out for razor blades in candy. They’re just empty calories!
– @meganamram

74.  Really like that club DJ. He presses play on his iTunes way better than that other club DJ presses play on his iTunes.
– @SethMacfarlane

75. I’m not saying I’d bang legolas, but I’d bang legolas.

76. I still have no idea if Lupe Fiasco is an actual person or a concept

77. You’ve really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can’t reach it.
– @RobDelaney

78. Beer before liquor, never been in a meaningful relationship.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

79. Still hope to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.
– @thesulk

80. Yes I know the muffin man!
– @Jaquesinator

81. If you’ve seen one emo kid, you’ve seen the mall.
– @PaulyPeligroso

82. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!
– @meganamram

83. For an extra $20, you can purchase a mountain bike instead of a Kia.

84. The sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.

85. If NASCAR wants me to believe it’s not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

86. I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
– @SucittaM

87. No shirt, no shoes, no service, no boyfriend, no career, no cats (some cats!)
– @MrsRupertPupkin

88. For Halloween I’m going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater properly & put it back on the shelf.
– @RobDelaney

89. Adele’s ex-boyfriend should get a grammy.

90. They say getting a retweet feels like 1/8th of an orgasm.
– @ChaddyCampbell

91. Overheard today in restaurant: “Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

92. I like going to McDonald’s and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell “HA! Like I’d work here. Get me a chocolate shake.”
– @PaulyPeligroso

93. I love you more than parents love adding noses to emoticons.

94. When Christmas carolers come to our house, we loudly sing a totally different song at the same time.

95. It’s so cold I just saw some gangsters with their pants pulled up.
– @Rodney_at_large

96. The hardest part of losing a child is pretending like you’re looking for them.
– @meganamram

97. The only effective form of birth control for Mexicans is pregnancy.

98. Fun fact: look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistically, one of those people is James Franco.

99. You guys were so wasted at that party this weekend.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

100. Remember people, if your facebook name is not your actual birth given name, you are black.

101. Where do you think Noah kept the termites on his giant wooden boat?
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

102. I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.
– @SucittaM

103. Now that I’ve registered, it’s really hard to unsubscribe from this sex offender list.
– @meganamram

104. What’s worse: hearing someone crank a chainsaw in your baby’s room or fashion blogs?
– @3rdand10

105. Looks like it’s a nice day out on TV.
– @TheBiggIdea

106. Calling someone ‘one in a million’ in China means they aren’t that special.
– @thesulk

107. Maybe I’ll throw myself down a flight of stairs to see if anybody signs my cast “Will you marry me?”
– @MrsRupertPupkin

108. What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in stuff.
– @meganamram

109. My son says he gonna “build a Lego tower a million miles tall.” There’s no fucking way.
– @cornlog

110. It’d be fun to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off that first mask.


112. I could be famous by now, but instead I smoked weed once a few years ago.

113. AT&T always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.

114.  I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.
– @thesulk

115. I just farted for 6 seconds and now I’m a dubstep DJ.
– @PaulyPeligroso

116. Out of all of Santa’s reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
– @meganamram

117. Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.

118. One of my therapists told me I wasn’t crazy.

119. The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.

120. Hey, supermodels– stop saying, “I’m actually really a big nerd.” Trust me. You’re not.
– @SethMacfarland

121. I got my wife a mirror for her birthday. That’ll show her who’s boss.
– @Rodney_at_large

122. Sometimes at night I’ll dig a hole in the backyard, just to keep my neighbors guessing.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

123. There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
– @meganamram

124. Looking to hire a divorce photographer.

125. I remember on the day John Lennon died, I cried and cried. I was 3. It was unrelated.

126. Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car – stop steering so much.

127. The only person you have control over is yourself, or your ex if he’s tied up & you’re trying to EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO HIM, DANIEL.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

128. Just realized I really only do about 5 things.
– @Cameron_Slade

129. Still waiting to use geometry.
– @3rdand10

130. My New Years Risotto: figure out autocorrect.
– @meganamram

131. I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

132. Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
– @Matt_Tice

133. Every neck tattoo should read “I’m not getting the job, am I?”
– @bazecraze

134. Just bought a Ken doll. I don’t know what everyone’s talking about, you can’t read books on this thing.
– @thesulk

135. I’m going to spend the last 10 minutes on my death bed beeping like a low battery alert.
– @Rodney_at_large

136. My girlfriend was in a porno. She is going to be pissed off when she finds out though.

137. Having an erection on the bus is the new Ed Hardy

138. Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

139. I’ve heard cockroaches are the only thing that could survive nuclear winter, but I wouldn’t count out RadioShack.

140. Meant to text a girl “Wanna hang?” Wrote “Wanna gang?” She wrote “Sure.” I’ve got some serious decisions to make.
– @TheBiggIdea

141. Can’t decide if I want to get a cat or just pay a bum to come puke behind my speakers and rub his ass in my face.
– @3rdand10

142. Need to cure your hiccups fast? Kill yourself!
– @meganamram

143. “Manuscript” is probably the classiest place to hide the word “anus.”
– @RobDelaney

144. I quit my job at the helium gas factory as I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

145. Every time I wear a leotard in public, a ballerina dies.

146. I just took a dump so epic it was narrated by Morgan Freeman.

147. My girlfriend’s been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby’s gotta be so fucking clean by now. Girls are weird.

148. I’m much nicer if you don’t get to know me.

150. No pain no gain but also no pain no pain.
– @Shelbyfero

151. He asked me not to think about twitter while we’re having sex. I said ok. He asked me not to tweet that. I said ok.

152. Am i alone or is it just me?
– @Jaquesinator

153. Dear Journey tribute bands, please stop believing.

154. Any room can be a panic room if you suddenly remember middle school.
– @meganamram

155. Is there absolutely nothing in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
– @MrsRupertPupkin

156. Waiter, there’s an I in my team.
– @meganamram

157. “Get a womb!” – me when I see two babies making out.
– @PaulyPeligroso

158. My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
– @donni

159. Thanksgiving? More like Thanks-TAKING! Am I right, Native Americans?
– @jedshead

160. They’re not sexy and we know it.

161. How dare you diagnose me with amnesia! Do you have any idea who I am?

162.  I don’t remember who slept over last night but I think he was the one.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

163.  I like my men like I like my A.D.D.: is that a basketball.
– @meganamram

164. My boyfriend’s porn preference is “Brunette with small boobs that lives in the apartment below us”.

165. “Get a load of this guy!” – Employee At A Sperm Bank
– @DoubleBerg426

166. My favorite song is “The Boys Are Back In Town” because it helps me keep track of where all the boys are.
– @DearAnyone

167. When my dog’s balls hit the floor, he applies the five second rule.
– @snickychick

168. Sing like nobody’s listening; love like you’ve never been hurt; undress like I’m not outside your window.
– @daveihl

169.  Saw this video that made me want to become vegan but then I accidentally talked to a vegan and now I’m willing to cook people.

170. I see debt people.

175. Just got introduced to a baby. Do I shake its hand?
– @ty_schutz

176. Girls come and go, but the tattoos of their names stay with you forever.
– @Saraaah_a

177. The only thing worse than bumping into Facebook friends while you’re with your Twitter friends is when your Myspace friends try to rob you.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

178.  I think my barber is gay. Sometimes when I’m kissing him, he grabs my butt.
– @Rodney_at_large

179.  I hate to sound racist, but all Oriental rugs look the same to me.
– @meganamram

180. I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
– @yoyoha

181. Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
– @calrkekant

182. I honestly can’t remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
– @anthonyjeselnik

183. Someone should do a cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Such a lovely song.
– @RobDelaney

184. Guys!! I kept my cell phone on during take-off and it didn’t do anyt
– @meganamram

185.  I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
– @Rodney_at_large

186. The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

187. This recliner and I go way back.

188. Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
– @donni

189. When life hands you women, make women laid.
– @crowejam

190. I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.

191. Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I’m guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.

192. I already want to quit my next two jobs.

193. I accidentally left FB chat open and someone just tried starting a conversation with me. In a moment of panic I threw my laptop at the wall.
– @DesignerSays

194. Just got a pocket dial from my ex, so yeah, we’re pretty much back on.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

195. FYI- “Gurl” has the same number of letters as “Girl”.
– @KellyOxford

196. Ikea is such a well-run store, they really cross their t’s and dot their a’s.
– @meganamram

197. The only things I have in common with birds are tweeting and shitting on cars.
– @donni

198. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” – Someone Who Forgot About Spiders

199. #boners

200. – Mom says that I’M the only reason she doesn’t take her own life. No pressure lol.


Twitter Isn’t a Dirty Word, Grandma.

Communication has come a long way since the carrier pigeon. In fact, it seems like just yesterday I was talking to my best friend via paper cups with a string in between. Now we have computers and smart phones which allow us to send a mass message across the world with just the click of a button. MySpace gave us some fun for a few weeks, and Facebook continues to monopolize the social networking scene, so where does Twitter come into play? There are only 3 types of people in the world, those who have Twitter, those who don’t, and grandparents.

Those who have Twitter love Twitter, those who don’t have Twitter truly believe it is idiotic, and our grandparents still think “twitter” is a dirty word. “Hold on a sec, isn’t Twitter, like, pretty much, like, updating your Facebook status, like, all the time?” Why yes, yes it is generic teen girl; however, there is more to it. Naturally, we all have our own opinions, and most of us want them to be heard. Twitter offers more than the ability to share with your followers what you are eating for dinner, or that it’s your little cousins 5th birthday today, it allows you to express who you are. People are vastly different, and that reflects on the type of tweeters they become. Here is my attempt at giving you a better understanding.

The Opinion Tweeter: This is without doubt the most popular way to use Twitter. Simply expressing what they hate, love, and why; treating the site as if it is a public diary used to vent their emotions.

The Information Tweeter: The easiest and quickest way to find out what is happening in the world is through these people. The second they hear something, they tweet it. Between info-tweeters and trending topics (subjects most commonly being talked about), Twitter will be sure to permanently keep you in the loop. You can also follow more specific news sources that are more suited to your interests. (@MTV, @CNN, @Cordnews)

The Comedy Tweeter: There are a lot of funny people out there, some with absolutely hilarious outlooks on life. In the comedy world, Twitter acts as a powerful tool, allowing aspiring comedians to network with each other. Personally, this has always been my cozy niche. My followers are the audience, and it is my job to entertain them through humour. Keep in mind Twitter only allows 140 characters per tweet, so jokes must be concise and to the point. From making fun of celebrities, to witty one liners, there are multiple people on Twitter dedicated to making you laugh. (@robdelaney, @meganamram, @thesulk)

The No-Tweeter: Tweeting isn’t for everyone, but that certainly does not mean there is no place for you. The top excuse for not creating an account is, “but i have nothing to say!” Despite that being incredibly false, you don’t have to worry about constructing fascinating tweets if you don’t want to. Many people use Twitter solely for the purpose of following their favourite celebrities, television shows, and sports teams. (@Ladygaga, @MapleLeafs, @BarackObama)

Once again, this was just to give you a better understanding of the misconceived website. Through experience you will learn about hashtags, retweets, favourites, and all that Twitter jargon. Just know that the site doesn’t primarily consist of Kim Kardashian tweeting about her captivating love-life; it has a lot more depth than that. You may come to realize that Twitter, and social networking in general, is not your cup of tea, in which case I don’t know what to tell you. I suppose you can go enjoy reading your so-called “books” or what ever those things are called. I’ll be in my room tweeting all night if you need me. (It’s not what it sounds like Grandma!)


– Michael Porfirio / @M_Porfiri0