Top 5 Drugs That Are Sure To Make You Popular!

Hey kid. Ya you, come over here. You want to be popular? Here try this:

5. Crystal Meth 

You have been trying to impress your crush for 2 months now and you just can’t seem to get their attention. Perhaps you’re just not cool enough. Lucky for you, crystal meth exists, also know as “methamphetamine”. The health hazards are gargantuan, practically never ending, but don’t let that chase you away! Remember, social acceptance is everything. You can smoke, snort, or even inject crystal meth; you choose what works for you. Never again will you have to worry about having food caught in your teeth when talking to your crush because you wont have teeth! Other side-effects may include fatigue, anorexia, blurred vision, convulsions, death, and itchy skin. I wont go over the long term effects because they’re stupid, but get your hands on this drug while it’s hot (wait for it to cool down before you literally put your hands on it).

4. LSD

Skyrocket your popularity to the top by taking “LSD”, also known as “acid”, also known as “that shit The Beatles took”. That’s right, The Beatles are infamously known for using LSD in order to find their muse, and they’re all alive and healthy, right? LSD stands for ‘Lysergic Acid Diethylamide‘ which is just scientific jargon for awesomeness. The effects of LSD are unpredictable. In other words, you can experience anything from an incredibly fast heart rate, to bipolar delusions. Throughout the experience, sensations are said to cross over, making the user hear colours and see sounds. If this happens to you, just tell that purple to shut up. The cool kids at school will respect you and you will finally win your father’s approval. Quickly go pop some acid then come back and continue reading this article. I’ll wait.

3. Horse Tranquilizer

Are you looking for a fun night at the club and/or to calm down a furious 1200 pound horse? This drug is for you! Horse tranquilizer, also known as PCP,  is most commonly found in the form of a pill. They are super convenient to carry around. In fact, if you’re hosting a party, fill a bowl with PCP pills and keep it near the front door; they serve as a very tasteful welcome treat. Parents, do not confuse this drug with a ‘PSP’ (PlayStation Portable), although they both guarantee handheld fun.

Effects related to PCP often deal with the central nervous system, including drowsiness and disorganized thinking. Apparently your judgement of time becomes distorted as well. The second you’re done staring at that abstract painting on the wall, you’ll realize everyone has left the party, three weeks have gone by, and Apple has already released an iPhone 6. This drug is very easy to find too! Just head to your local horse breeder and scrummage through his medicine cabinet.

The best part about this drug is that it exists.

2. Datura

Datura is fucked. It is commonly known as, “The Devil’s Trumpet”. You know how painful it is hearing someone play the trumpet? Well now picture the Devil playing it. Now try to encapsulate that entire experience into a herb. Now smoke it.

This drug is often referred to as a hallucinogen, although it doesn’t exactly meet the requirements; it exceeds them. You don’t hallucinate; you enter another dimension. The line between reality and fantasy is so thin that you’ve already snorted it by now. Datura projects images in front of you and initiates immediate dizziness to the point of nausea. So basically it’s fun for the whole family. There is an 80% chance of death but a 100% chance of popularity!

1. Cobra Venom

Finally, the number one drug that is sure to make you popular is Cobra Venom; not exactly something you can buy from that sketchy guy in cargo shorts. In fact, you may need to head on over to southern Africa and obtain this drug first hand.

Besides, how hard can it be? Just find a cobra in the midst of the African desert, kill it, grab it by the tail, then hold it up for a picture like you just caught a fifty-pound sea-bass. The venom found within a cobra is venomous believe it or not! The reason cobras are able to support the venom is because of their rare blood type which acts as a defence in order to balance it out. So while you are extracting the venom from the inadequate cobra you just single handedly murdered, you may want to grab some of it’s blood while you’re at it. Oh, and just a heads up, that rush you so desperately desired while hunting for this drug, maybe very well be quenched during the process of the hunt.

The extracted venom is commonly blended into alcoholic drinks after being converted into a powder-like substance.

DO NOT keep this beside your Kool-Aid Mix!

Cobra venom is referred to as a “party drug” because it boosts your energy for a long period of time. Red Bull gives you wings, but this gives you wings, a sword, laser eyes, AND those shoes with wheels built into them! Victims of this drug are reported to be so so high that “they don’t know where they are or what they are doing”, which is great if you hate where you are and who you’re doing.

From retrieving the venom, to consuming the venom, to waking up the next morning hissing like a snake, this drug is a guaranteed good time. If snorting cobra venom in the bathroom stall doesn’t make you prom king, I don’t know what will.

Honourable Mention: Bath Salts

Unfortunately this was just short of making the list. Sniffing bath salts has just become too mainstream. Everyone is doing bath salts these days, why do you think ‘Bath and Body Works’ has been so successful recently? You don’t want to fall into the generic crowd. Plus, I hear the side-effects are pretty nuts; avoid this drug and save face.

I know this list can be a little intimidating. If you’re worried about your health (pussy) then just relax and have some faith. After all, I took all of these drugs and I feel just finesmn.’;a#4mls.o&ek^)d8vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

– Michael Porfirio


The Mini-Egg Secret

Some people consider Easter to be about spending time with your family. Others appreciate it for the religious origins, reminding themselves that Jesus died for our sins. The real meaning of Easter, however, is about eating so many Cadbury Mini-Eggs that you no longer feel human.

For too long the Mini-Egg phenomena has possessed us all with a blood thirsty fixation for the chocolate, degrading us to the point where we become extras in The Walking Dead. It’s about time someone reached the bottom of this delicious mystery, therefore I decided to take the courageous step forward and find out. I flew down to Cadbury headquarters in Uxbridge, London, England where I spoke to Kevin Sikora, the  CEO of the tasty Cadbury Mini-Egg franchise.

Immediately into the conversation, I thanked him for all his hard work, explaining to him how Cadbury Mini-Eggs have changed my life for the better.

Sikora laughed playfully, stating “Thank you very much. To be honest, I hear that a lot. There are many cases where people will be suffering from heavy depression, and through the consumption of Mini-Eggs, all their troubles seem to fade.”

To my surprise, Sikora informed me that “recently doctors have started to medically prescribe Cadbury Mini-Eggs to their mentally ill patients”.

Despite my fascination with the candy legend, I managed to bring myself back to reality and focus on the real reason I traveled to Britain. The chocolate eggs are without question a delectable treat, but there is an addictive quality to them as well. My primary concern was to discover the ingredients within the Mini-Egg which keeps us coming back for more year after year. Although Cadbury is infamously known for protecting their formula, Sikora was more than generous enough to share his magical mixture.

“Well to be honest we like to keep things simple when we make our chocolate. We begin with all natural cocoa butter, then we throw in some sugar, add in some crystal meth, and then we top it off with non-fat milk powder”.

It all seemed so easy; however, I was sure there was something missing. There must have been a piece of the process Sikora was attempting to hide. The experience that Cadbury Mini-Eggs offer their consumers is so much more than the simple ingredients he listed. Despite his stone cold stubbornness, I was able to break Sikora and have him admit the key factor when making the candy. With a sigh of exhaust, Sikora looked me in the eye and confidently shared Cadbury’s darkest secret.

“After the chocolate is delicately coated in a candy shell and the entire operation is completed, we send the final products to the ‘happiness room’; waiting there is a faculty of 200 well trained scientists, along with 400 newborn babies. From here, we are able to stimulate and capture the beautiful laughter of the newborn babies, and then inject that laughter into the Cadbury Mini-Eggs.”

Following his shocking reveal, we shared a lengthy moment of silence. There were a number of questions running through my head. For example, “where did he get these babies from?”, “how does he contain their laughter?” and  “did he say crystal meth at one point?” Despite these burning questions, I decided to ignore them. I had received the information I came for, and the bottom line was more evident than ever before. Cadbury Mini-Eggs are a majestic part of human nature, some scholars are even calling them the eighth wonder of the world. The enormous power that one tiny chocolate egg can hold has been pushed beyond the existence of humanity. A world without Mini-Eggs is a dark place full of destruction, hatred, and those knock-off chocolate eggs that taste terrible. Reflect on these thoughts, because although Easter has passed, it is never too late to be thankful for the brightness bestowed upon us every year in the form of candy eggs.

– Michael Porfirio