Top 5 Drugs That Are Sure To Make You Popular!

Hey kid. Ya you, come over here. You want to be popular? Here try this:

5. Crystal Meth 

You have been trying to impress your crush for 2 months now and you just can’t seem to get their attention. Perhaps you’re just not cool enough. Lucky for you, crystal meth exists, also know as “methamphetamine”. The health hazards are gargantuan, practically never ending, but don’t let that chase you away! Remember, social acceptance is everything. You can smoke, snort, or even inject crystal meth; you choose what works for you. Never again will you have to worry about having food caught in your teeth when talking to your crush because you wont have teeth! Other side-effects may include fatigue, anorexia, blurred vision, convulsions, death, and itchy skin. I wont go over the long term effects because they’re stupid, but get your hands on this drug while it’s hot (wait for it to cool down before you literally put your hands on it).

4. LSD

Skyrocket your popularity to the top by taking “LSD”, also known as “acid”, also known as “that shit The Beatles took”. That’s right, The Beatles are infamously known for using LSD in order to find their muse, and they’re all alive and healthy, right? LSD stands for ‘Lysergic Acid Diethylamide‘ which is just scientific jargon for awesomeness. The effects of LSD are unpredictable. In other words, you can experience anything from an incredibly fast heart rate, to bipolar delusions. Throughout the experience, sensations are said to cross over, making the user hear colours and see sounds. If this happens to you, just tell that purple to shut up. The cool kids at school will respect you and you will finally win your father’s approval. Quickly go pop some acid then come back and continue reading this article. I’ll wait.

3. Horse Tranquilizer

Are you looking for a fun night at the club and/or to calm down a furious 1200 pound horse? This drug is for you! Horse tranquilizer, also known as PCP,  is most commonly found in the form of a pill. They are super convenient to carry around. In fact, if you’re hosting a party, fill a bowl with PCP pills and keep it near the front door; they serve as a very tasteful welcome treat. Parents, do not confuse this drug with a ‘PSP’ (PlayStation Portable), although they both guarantee handheld fun.

Effects related to PCP often deal with the central nervous system, including drowsiness and disorganized thinking. Apparently your judgement of time becomes distorted as well. The second you’re done staring at that abstract painting on the wall, you’ll realize everyone has left the party, three weeks have gone by, and Apple has already released an iPhone 6. This drug is very easy to find too! Just head to your local horse breeder and scrummage through his medicine cabinet.

The best part about this drug is that it exists.

2. Datura

Datura is fucked. It is commonly known as, “The Devil’s Trumpet”. You know how painful it is hearing someone play the trumpet? Well now picture the Devil playing it. Now try to encapsulate that entire experience into a herb. Now smoke it.

This drug is often referred to as a hallucinogen, although it doesn’t exactly meet the requirements; it exceeds them. You don’t hallucinate; you enter another dimension. The line between reality and fantasy is so thin that you’ve already snorted it by now. Datura projects images in front of you and initiates immediate dizziness to the point of nausea. So basically it’s fun for the whole family. There is an 80% chance of death but a 100% chance of popularity!

1. Cobra Venom

Finally, the number one drug that is sure to make you popular is Cobra Venom; not exactly something you can buy from that sketchy guy in cargo shorts. In fact, you may need to head on over to southern Africa and obtain this drug first hand.

Besides, how hard can it be? Just find a cobra in the midst of the African desert, kill it, grab it by the tail, then hold it up for a picture like you just caught a fifty-pound sea-bass. The venom found within a cobra is venomous believe it or not! The reason cobras are able to support the venom is because of their rare blood type which acts as a defence in order to balance it out. So while you are extracting the venom from the inadequate cobra you just single handedly murdered, you may want to grab some of it’s blood while you’re at it. Oh, and just a heads up, that rush you so desperately desired while hunting for this drug, maybe very well be quenched during the process of the hunt.

The extracted venom is commonly blended into alcoholic drinks after being converted into a powder-like substance.

DO NOT keep this beside your Kool-Aid Mix!

Cobra venom is referred to as a “party drug” because it boosts your energy for a long period of time. Red Bull gives you wings, but this gives you wings, a sword, laser eyes, AND those shoes with wheels built into them! Victims of this drug are reported to be so so high that “they don’t know where they are or what they are doing”, which is great if you hate where you are and who you’re doing.

From retrieving the venom, to consuming the venom, to waking up the next morning hissing like a snake, this drug is a guaranteed good time. If snorting cobra venom in the bathroom stall doesn’t make you prom king, I don’t know what will.

Honourable Mention: Bath Salts

Unfortunately this was just short of making the list. Sniffing bath salts has just become too mainstream. Everyone is doing bath salts these days, why do you think ‘Bath and Body Works’ has been so successful recently? You don’t want to fall into the generic crowd. Plus, I hear the side-effects are pretty nuts; avoid this drug and save face.

I know this list can be a little intimidating. If you’re worried about your health (pussy) then just relax and have some faith. After all, I took all of these drugs and I feel just finesmn.’;a#4mls.o&ek^)d8vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

– Michael Porfirio


Twitter Isn’t a Dirty Word, Grandma.

Communication has come a long way since the carrier pigeon. In fact, it seems like just yesterday I was talking to my best friend via paper cups with a string in between. Now we have computers and smart phones which allow us to send a mass message across the world with just the click of a button. MySpace gave us some fun for a few weeks, and Facebook continues to monopolize the social networking scene, so where does Twitter come into play? There are only 3 types of people in the world, those who have Twitter, those who don’t, and grandparents.

Those who have Twitter love Twitter, those who don’t have Twitter truly believe it is idiotic, and our grandparents still think “twitter” is a dirty word. “Hold on a sec, isn’t Twitter, like, pretty much, like, updating your Facebook status, like, all the time?” Why yes, yes it is generic teen girl; however, there is more to it. Naturally, we all have our own opinions, and most of us want them to be heard. Twitter offers more than the ability to share with your followers what you are eating for dinner, or that it’s your little cousins 5th birthday today, it allows you to express who you are. People are vastly different, and that reflects on the type of tweeters they become. Here is my attempt at giving you a better understanding.

The Opinion Tweeter: This is without doubt the most popular way to use Twitter. Simply expressing what they hate, love, and why; treating the site as if it is a public diary used to vent their emotions.

The Information Tweeter: The easiest and quickest way to find out what is happening in the world is through these people. The second they hear something, they tweet it. Between info-tweeters and trending topics (subjects most commonly being talked about), Twitter will be sure to permanently keep you in the loop. You can also follow more specific news sources that are more suited to your interests. (@MTV, @CNN, @Cordnews)

The Comedy Tweeter: There are a lot of funny people out there, some with absolutely hilarious outlooks on life. In the comedy world, Twitter acts as a powerful tool, allowing aspiring comedians to network with each other. Personally, this has always been my cozy niche. My followers are the audience, and it is my job to entertain them through humour. Keep in mind Twitter only allows 140 characters per tweet, so jokes must be concise and to the point. From making fun of celebrities, to witty one liners, there are multiple people on Twitter dedicated to making you laugh. (@robdelaney, @meganamram, @thesulk)

The No-Tweeter: Tweeting isn’t for everyone, but that certainly does not mean there is no place for you. The top excuse for not creating an account is, “but i have nothing to say!” Despite that being incredibly false, you don’t have to worry about constructing fascinating tweets if you don’t want to. Many people use Twitter solely for the purpose of following their favourite celebrities, television shows, and sports teams. (@Ladygaga, @MapleLeafs, @BarackObama)

Once again, this was just to give you a better understanding of the misconceived website. Through experience you will learn about hashtags, retweets, favourites, and all that Twitter jargon. Just know that the site doesn’t primarily consist of Kim Kardashian tweeting about her captivating love-life; it has a lot more depth than that. You may come to realize that Twitter, and social networking in general, is not your cup of tea, in which case I don’t know what to tell you. I suppose you can go enjoy reading your so-called “books” or what ever those things are called. I’ll be in my room tweeting all night if you need me. (It’s not what it sounds like Grandma!)


– Michael Porfirio / @M_Porfiri0