200 Amazing Tweets

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Keep in mind this is just a personal preference. The order matters; however, near the bottom I just threw in some great tweets. Every tweeter mentioned has their highest ranked tweet with a link to their twitter page; I suggest you follow them all.

1. My dad “unfollowed” my family when I was 4 months old.
@meganamram

2. So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”
@PaulyPeligroso

3. Adult braces
@robdelaney

4. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is @chrisbrown.
@GuyEndoreKaiser

5. Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter because they’re in control of NASA, science, and their emotions.
– @meganamram

6. If you listen carefully to a Black Eyed Peas album, you can hear the other two guys eating chips.
@yuckybot

7. – Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?
@MrsRupertPupkin

8. Today the world’s population reached 7 billion. I like 4 of you.
@thesulk

9. Two truths and a lie: I milked a dog, I milked a dog, I didn’t milk a dog.
– @meganamram

10. Didn’t support the troops, saw a bumper sticker, now do.
@SethMacfarlane

11. Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn’t want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.
@ShelbyFero

12. So excited that The Weather Channel picked up “Weather” for another season!!
– @meganamram

13. Just watched a guy sneeze out yogurt onto his beard. I don’t want anything anymore.
@3rdand10

14. Santa lost me at “Better not cry.”
– @MrsRupertPupkin

15. So, we’re all 100% sure about our gods, right?
– @thesulk

16. Oh, God. What did you do to her? RT @chrisbrown “please pray for Virginia”
@DannyZuker

17. At no point should a man have two hands on his coffee mug.
@TheBiggIdea

18. “No wishing for less cancer or more wishes.” – Make-A-Wish Foundation rules
– @meganamram

19. Be careful; you are a can of soda. RT @Pepsi: “Biking along the beach to catch the sunset. Doin’ summer nights right!”
– @Robdelaney

20. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by driving away right after I rear-ended someone.
– @PaulyPeligroso

21. Life is just an ‘f’ in lie.
– @thesulk

22.  This chicken is so undercooked I’m taking it to the vet.
@79protons

23. By losing Dancing With the Stars, Rob Kardashian has officially become the most accomplished Kardashian.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

24. Teach a man to watch television and he’ll find the fishing channel.
@Emirkr

25. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it’s thinking about me too.
@SucittaM

26. I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
– @meganamram

27. Im applying to be a concentration camp counsellor.
@Jaquesinator

28. “Yum!” -the lions on Noah’s Ark
@Shawnries

29. Before we find Waldo in this picture, can we talk about how over-populated this beach is?
@RejectedJokes

30. If you’re a Mayan, I don’t even know how you show your fucking face in 2013.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

31. My dad has cancer. RT @KimKardashian: “I hate when I get my tea perfectly sweetened then the waiter comes & fills it & ruins my whole flow!”
@Jennyjohnsonhi5

32. Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
@SamGirttner

33. “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Superman.” -guy who is horrible at size differentiation

– @GuyEndoreKaiser

34. I’ve got some terrible news: FOX
– @meganamram

35. My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
@cornlog

36. I would still drop my baby off at Charlie Sheen’s house for a month before I’d let Sarah Palin run a lemonade stand.
– @RobDelaney

37. Pretty sure we just need one button on blenders – the one that says “blend.”
– @TheBiggIdea

38. I’d rather sit on a person’s knee, while they’re taking a shit, than talk to their kid on the telephone.
– @3rdand10

39. Last night my son crawled into my bed and said, “Lightning is God taking a picture,” which would be cute if he wasn’t 24.
– @DannyZuker

40. “I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
– @meganamram

41. You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out someone else’s shower.
– @SucittaM

42. Women who follow sports never shut up about being women who follow sports.
@YUCKYBOT

43. Kristen Stewart’s resume is just the word YAWN written in crayon.
@robfee

44. Recorded my stomach making a weird noise and then played it backwards and now I’m the lead singer of Nickelback.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

45. According to WebMD, I have “the Internet”.
– @meganamram

46. There’s a guy at your wife’s office who possesses many of the qualities you lack.
– @thesulk

47. Websites never remember me  : (
– @MrsRupertPupkin

48. If Occupy Wall Street continues, I may just have to find out what it is.
@RobinMcCauley

49. A little bird told me I’m schizophrenic.
– @meganamram

50.  Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn’t get weird.
– @SucittaM

51. The best way to get a Ke$ha song out of your head is with a bullet.
– @PaulyPeligroso

52. Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
– @RobDelaney

53. My showers usually last 30 seconds, a minute if i use my left hand.
@ChaddyCampbell

54. Prove that lightning isn’t wizards fighting. You can’t.
– @thesulk

55. When a girl tells me to ‘hold that thought’, I grab her boobs.
@Rodney_at_Large

56. Wow, that girl sure wears a lot of Adobe photoshop in her profile pictures.
@boymeeetsworld

57. I’ll never forget my first time. I can’t wait!
– @MrsRupertPupkin

58. Every time I see a spider I single handedly set feminism back fifty years.
– @ShelbyFero

59. I’m super laid back until anything.
@kristygee

60.  I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell “YOU DON’T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION” and run away.
– @SucittaM

61. When life gives you lemons, say thank you politely, then turn around to your friends and mouth “what the fuuuck..??”
@bazecraze

62. Last night, my kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s the last time we go to that mall.
@conanobrien

63. It’s weird when people have a bunch of family photos in the bathroom and then you realize you crapped your pants in the living room.
@jayonguitar

64. I always wanted Kate Plus 8 to end. But not like this. Not without a fire.
@anthonyjeselnik

65. Today is World AIDS Day – or as they call it in Africa, “Every Day.”
@Jedshead

66. If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.
@Matt_Tice

67. I never had a date to prom but look at me now! OK STOP LOOKING.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

68. I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I’m in an FBI van.
– @thesulk

69. Can you imagine how boring that song would be if NOBODY was Kung Fu fighting?
@DoubleBerg426

70. Maybe there would still be dinosaurs today if the Flintstones didn’t use them as scissors, bells, dish washers and pens.
– @RejectedJokes

71.Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
– @SucittaM

72. If you get a hand job from a person that uses sign language to talk, is that technically a blow job?
– @PaulyPeligroso

73. Kids, watch out for razor blades in candy. They’re just empty calories!
– @meganamram

74.  Really like that club DJ. He presses play on his iTunes way better than that other club DJ presses play on his iTunes.
– @SethMacfarlane

75. I’m not saying I’d bang legolas, but I’d bang legolas.
@MrBotelhoo

76. I still have no idea if Lupe Fiasco is an actual person or a concept
@ecareyo

77. You’ve really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can’t reach it.
– @RobDelaney

78. Beer before liquor, never been in a meaningful relationship.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

79. Still hope to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.
– @thesulk

80. Yes I know the muffin man!
– @Jaquesinator

81. If you’ve seen one emo kid, you’ve seen the mall.
– @PaulyPeligroso

82. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!
– @meganamram

83. For an extra $20, you can purchase a mountain bike instead of a Kia.
@jordyhamrick

84. The sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.
@clarkekant

85. If NASCAR wants me to believe it’s not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

86. I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
– @SucittaM

87. No shirt, no shoes, no service, no boyfriend, no career, no cats (some cats!)
– @MrsRupertPupkin

88. For Halloween I’m going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater properly & put it back on the shelf.
– @RobDelaney

89. Adele’s ex-boyfriend should get a grammy.
@yoyoha

90. They say getting a retweet feels like 1/8th of an orgasm.
– @ChaddyCampbell

91. Overheard today in restaurant: “Can you stop listening to our conversation?”
@DemetriMartin

92. I like going to McDonald’s and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell “HA! Like I’d work here. Get me a chocolate shake.”
– @PaulyPeligroso

93. I love you more than parents love adding noses to emoticons.
@erica_rosie

94. When Christmas carolers come to our house, we loudly sing a totally different song at the same time.
@CrystalMoonable 

95. It’s so cold I just saw some gangsters with their pants pulled up.
– @Rodney_at_large

96. The hardest part of losing a child is pretending like you’re looking for them.
– @meganamram

97. The only effective form of birth control for Mexicans is pregnancy.
@Cameron_Slade

98. Fun fact: look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistically, one of those people is James Franco.
@imaudilhere

99. You guys were so wasted at that party this weekend.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

100. Remember people, if your facebook name is not your actual birth given name, you are black.
@EddieEdEscobar

101. Where do you think Noah kept the termites on his giant wooden boat?
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

102. I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.
– @SucittaM

103. Now that I’ve registered, it’s really hard to unsubscribe from this sex offender list.
– @meganamram

104. What’s worse: hearing someone crank a chainsaw in your baby’s room or fashion blogs?
– @3rdand10

105. Looks like it’s a nice day out on TV.
– @TheBiggIdea

106. Calling someone ‘one in a million’ in China means they aren’t that special.
– @thesulk

107. Maybe I’ll throw myself down a flight of stairs to see if anybody signs my cast “Will you marry me?”
– @MrsRupertPupkin

108. What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in stuff.
– @meganamram

109. My son says he gonna “build a Lego tower a million miles tall.” There’s no fucking way.
– @cornlog

110. It’d be fun to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off that first mask.
@DearAnyone

111. IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT, WAIT TILL YOU GET TO WORK SO YOU CAN GET PAID FOR IT!
@EricClegg

112. I could be famous by now, but instead I smoked weed once a few years ago.
@TotallyAllen

113. AT&T always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.
– @YUCKYBOT

114.  I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.
– @thesulk

115. I just farted for 6 seconds and now I’m a dubstep DJ.
– @PaulyPeligroso

116. Out of all of Santa’s reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
– @meganamram

117. Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.
@chrisanna4real

118. One of my therapists told me I wasn’t crazy.
@evenmyegoispink

119. The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.
@donni

120. Hey, supermodels– stop saying, “I’m actually really a big nerd.” Trust me. You’re not.
– @SethMacfarland

121. I got my wife a mirror for her birthday. That’ll show her who’s boss.
– @Rodney_at_large

122. Sometimes at night I’ll dig a hole in the backyard, just to keep my neighbors guessing.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

123. There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
– @meganamram

124. Looking to hire a divorce photographer.
@daveihl

125. I remember on the day John Lennon died, I cried and cried. I was 3. It was unrelated.
@KenPlume

126. Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car – stop steering so much.
@Juliussharpe

127. The only person you have control over is yourself, or your ex if he’s tied up & you’re trying to EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO HIM, DANIEL.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

128. Just realized I really only do about 5 things.
– @Cameron_Slade

129. Still waiting to use geometry.
– @3rdand10

130. My New Years Risotto: figure out autocorrect.
– @meganamram

131. I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”
@kellyoxford

132. Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
– @Matt_Tice

133. Every neck tattoo should read “I’m not getting the job, am I?”
– @bazecraze

134. Just bought a Ken doll. I don’t know what everyone’s talking about, you can’t read books on this thing.
– @thesulk

135. I’m going to spend the last 10 minutes on my death bed beeping like a low battery alert.
– @Rodney_at_large

136. My girlfriend was in a porno. She is going to be pissed off when she finds out though.
@BJayNash 

137. Having an erection on the bus is the new Ed Hardy
@NotTooFunny

138. Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

139. I’ve heard cockroaches are the only thing that could survive nuclear winter, but I wouldn’t count out RadioShack.
@Bridger_w

140. Meant to text a girl “Wanna hang?” Wrote “Wanna gang?” She wrote “Sure.” I’ve got some serious decisions to make.
– @TheBiggIdea

141. Can’t decide if I want to get a cat or just pay a bum to come puke behind my speakers and rub his ass in my face.
– @3rdand10

142. Need to cure your hiccups fast? Kill yourself!
– @meganamram

143. “Manuscript” is probably the classiest place to hide the word “anus.”
– @RobDelaney

144. I quit my job at the helium gas factory as I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
@HonorIKendall

145. Every time I wear a leotard in public, a ballerina dies.
@Iamenidcoleslaw

146. I just took a dump so epic it was narrated by Morgan Freeman.
@Ty_Schutz

147. My girlfriend’s been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby’s gotta be so fucking clean by now. Girls are weird.
@lazerdoov

148. I’m much nicer if you don’t get to know me.
@inusku

150. No pain no gain but also no pain no pain.
– @Shelbyfero

151. He asked me not to think about twitter while we’re having sex. I said ok. He asked me not to tweet that. I said ok.
@snickychick

152. Am i alone or is it just me?
– @Jaquesinator

153. Dear Journey tribute bands, please stop believing.
@boburnham

154. Any room can be a panic room if you suddenly remember middle school.
– @meganamram

155. Is there absolutely nothing in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
– @MrsRupertPupkin

156. Waiter, there’s an I in my team.
– @meganamram

157. “Get a womb!” – me when I see two babies making out.
– @PaulyPeligroso

158. My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
– @donni

159. Thanksgiving? More like Thanks-TAKING! Am I right, Native Americans?
– @jedshead

160. They’re not sexy and we know it.
@Saraaah_a

161. How dare you diagnose me with amnesia! Do you have any idea who I am?
@biorhythmist

162.  I don’t remember who slept over last night but I think he was the one.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

163.  I like my men like I like my A.D.D.: is that a basketball.
– @meganamram

164. My boyfriend’s porn preference is “Brunette with small boobs that lives in the apartment below us”.
@lizerellie

165. “Get a load of this guy!” – Employee At A Sperm Bank
– @DoubleBerg426

166. My favorite song is “The Boys Are Back In Town” because it helps me keep track of where all the boys are.
– @DearAnyone

167. When my dog’s balls hit the floor, he applies the five second rule.
– @snickychick

168. Sing like nobody’s listening; love like you’ve never been hurt; undress like I’m not outside your window.
– @daveihl

169.  Saw this video that made me want to become vegan but then I accidentally talked to a vegan and now I’m willing to cook people.
@JeffKlinger 

170. I see debt people.
@crowejam

175. Just got introduced to a baby. Do I shake its hand?
– @ty_schutz

176. Girls come and go, but the tattoos of their names stay with you forever.
– @Saraaah_a

177. The only thing worse than bumping into Facebook friends while you’re with your Twitter friends is when your Myspace friends try to rob you.
– @GuyEndoreKaiser

178.  I think my barber is gay. Sometimes when I’m kissing him, he grabs my butt.
– @Rodney_at_large

179.  I hate to sound racist, but all Oriental rugs look the same to me.
– @meganamram

180. I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
– @yoyoha

181. Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
– @calrkekant

182. I honestly can’t remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
– @anthonyjeselnik

183. Someone should do a cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Such a lovely song.
– @RobDelaney

184. Guys!! I kept my cell phone on during take-off and it didn’t do anyt
– @meganamram

185.  I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
– @Rodney_at_large

186. The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
@AlisonAgosti

187. This recliner and I go way back.
@angleofattack

188. Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
– @donni

189. When life hands you women, make women laid.
– @crowejam

190. I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
@Nikiwithissues

191. Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I’m guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.
@BillMc7

192. I already want to quit my next two jobs.
@Brad_Spitts

193. I accidentally left FB chat open and someone just tried starting a conversation with me. In a moment of panic I threw my laptop at the wall.
– @DesignerSays

194. Just got a pocket dial from my ex, so yeah, we’re pretty much back on.
– @MrsRupertPupkin

195. FYI- “Gurl” has the same number of letters as “Girl”.
– @KellyOxford

196. Ikea is such a well-run store, they really cross their t’s and dot their a’s.
– @meganamram

197. The only things I have in common with birds are tweeting and shitting on cars.
– @donni

198. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” – Someone Who Forgot About Spiders
@hot_spunk

199. #boners
@pizzabagelsex 

200. – Mom says that I’M the only reason she doesn’t take her own life. No pressure lol.
@VerifiedHarris