The Mini-Egg Secret

Some people consider Easter to be about spending time with your family. Others appreciate it for the religious origins, reminding themselves that Jesus died for our sins. The real meaning of Easter, however, is about eating so many Cadbury Mini-Eggs that you no longer feel human.

For too long the Mini-Egg phenomena has possessed us all with a blood thirsty fixation for the chocolate, degrading us to the point where we become extras in The Walking Dead. It’s about time someone reached the bottom of this delicious mystery, therefore I decided to take the courageous step forward and find out. I flew down to Cadbury headquarters in Uxbridge, London, England where I spoke to Kevin Sikora, the  CEO of the tasty Cadbury Mini-Egg franchise.

Immediately into the conversation, I thanked him for all his hard work, explaining to him how Cadbury Mini-Eggs have changed my life for the better.

Sikora laughed playfully, stating “Thank you very much. To be honest, I hear that a lot. There are many cases where people will be suffering from heavy depression, and through the consumption of Mini-Eggs, all their troubles seem to fade.”

To my surprise, Sikora informed me that “recently doctors have started to medically prescribe Cadbury Mini-Eggs to their mentally ill patients”.

Despite my fascination with the candy legend, I managed to bring myself back to reality and focus on the real reason I traveled to Britain. The chocolate eggs are without question a delectable treat, but there is an addictive quality to them as well. My primary concern was to discover the ingredients within the Mini-Egg which keeps us coming back for more year after year. Although Cadbury is infamously known for protecting their formula, Sikora was more than generous enough to share his magical mixture.

“Well to be honest we like to keep things simple when we make our chocolate. We begin with all natural cocoa butter, then we throw in some sugar, add in some crystal meth, and then we top it off with non-fat milk powder”.

It all seemed so easy; however, I was sure there was something missing. There must have been a piece of the process Sikora was attempting to hide. The experience that Cadbury Mini-Eggs offer their consumers is so much more than the simple ingredients he listed. Despite his stone cold stubbornness, I was able to break Sikora and have him admit the key factor when making the candy. With a sigh of exhaust, Sikora looked me in the eye and confidently shared Cadbury’s darkest secret.

“After the chocolate is delicately coated in a candy shell and the entire operation is completed, we send the final products to the ‘happiness room’; waiting there is a faculty of 200 well trained scientists, along with 400 newborn babies. From here, we are able to stimulate and capture the beautiful laughter of the newborn babies, and then inject that laughter into the Cadbury Mini-Eggs.”

Following his shocking reveal, we shared a lengthy moment of silence. There were a number of questions running through my head. For example, “where did he get these babies from?”, “how does he contain their laughter?” and  “did he say crystal meth at one point?” Despite these burning questions, I decided to ignore them. I had received the information I came for, and the bottom line was more evident than ever before. Cadbury Mini-Eggs are a majestic part of human nature, some scholars are even calling them the eighth wonder of the world. The enormous power that one tiny chocolate egg can hold has been pushed beyond the existence of humanity. A world without Mini-Eggs is a dark place full of destruction, hatred, and those knock-off chocolate eggs that taste terrible. Reflect on these thoughts, because although Easter has passed, it is never too late to be thankful for the brightness bestowed upon us every year in the form of candy eggs.

– Michael Porfirio