My Accumulation of Thoughts

First of all, BizNasty wouldn’t lie to you.

Second of all, I joined Twitter in 2009, but my first tweet came 5 days into 2010. This is my first tweet ever:

Now get comfortable, because here are 100 of my best tweets:
100.

99.

98.

97.

96.

95.

94.

93.

92.

91.

90.

89.

88.

87.

86.

85.

84.

83.

82.

81.

80.

79.

78.

77.

76.

75.

74.

73.

72.

71.

70.

69.

68.

67.

66.

65.

64.

63.

62.

61.

60.

59.

58.

57.

56.

55.

54.

53.


52.

51.

50.

49.

48.

47.

46.

45.

44.

43.

42.

41.

40.

39.

38.

37.

36.

35.

34.

33.

32.

31.

30.

29.

28.

27.

26.

25.

24.

23.

22.

21.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Leave a comment

Top 5 Drugs That Are Sure To Make You Popular!

Hey kid. Ya you, come over here. You want to be popular? Here try this:

5. Crystal Meth 

You have been trying to impress your crush for 2 months now and you just can’t seem to get their attention. Perhaps you’re just not cool enough. Lucky for you, crystal meth exists, also know as “methamphetamine”. The health hazards are gargantuan, practically never ending, but don’t let that chase you away! Remember, social acceptance is everything. You can smoke, snort, or even inject crystal meth; you choose what works for you. Never again will you have to worry about having food caught in your teeth when talking to your crush because you wont have teeth! Other side-effects may include fatigue, anorexia, blurred vision, convulsions, death, and itchy skin. I wont go over the long term effects because they’re stupid, but get your hands on this drug while it’s hot (wait for it to cool down before you literally put your hands on it).

4. LSD

Skyrocket your popularity to the top by taking “LSD”, also known as “acid”, also known as “that shit The Beatles took”. That’s right, The Beatles are infamously known for using LSD in order to find their muse, and they’re all alive and healthy, right? LSD stands for ‘Lysergic Acid Diethylamide‘ which is just scientific jargon for awesomeness. The effects of LSD are unpredictable. In other words, you can experience anything from an incredibly fast heart rate, to bipolar delusions. Throughout the experience, sensations are said to cross over, making the user hear colours and see sounds. If this happens to you, just tell that purple to shut up. The cool kids at school will respect you and you will finally win your father’s approval. Quickly go pop some acid then come back and continue reading this article. I’ll wait.

3. Horse Tranquilizer

Are you looking for a fun night at the club and/or to calm down a furious 1200 pound horse? This drug is for you! Horse tranquilizer, also known as PCP,  is most commonly found in the form of a pill. They are super convenient to carry around. In fact, if you’re hosting a party, fill a bowl with PCP pills and keep it near the front door; they serve as a very tasteful welcome treat. Parents, do not confuse this drug with a ‘PSP’ (PlayStation Portable), although they both guarantee handheld fun.

Effects related to PCP often deal with the central nervous system, including drowsiness and disorganized thinking. Apparently your judgement of time becomes distorted as well. The second you’re done staring at that abstract painting on the wall, you’ll realize everyone has left the party, three weeks have gone by, and Apple has already released an iPhone 6. This drug is very easy to find too! Just head to your local horse breeder and scrummage through his medicine cabinet.

The best part about this drug is that it exists.

2. Datura

Datura is fucked. It is commonly known as, “The Devil’s Trumpet”. You know how painful it is hearing someone play the trumpet? Well now picture the Devil playing it. Now try to encapsulate that entire experience into a herb. Now smoke it.

This drug is often referred to as a hallucinogen, although it doesn’t exactly meet the requirements; it exceeds them. You don’t hallucinate; you enter another dimension. The line between reality and fantasy is so thin that you’ve already snorted it by now. Datura projects images in front of you and initiates immediate dizziness to the point of nausea. So basically it’s fun for the whole family. There is an 80% chance of death but a 100% chance of popularity!

1. Cobra Venom

Finally, the number one drug that is sure to make you popular is Cobra Venom; not exactly something you can buy from that sketchy guy in cargo shorts. In fact, you may need to head on over to southern Africa and obtain this drug first hand.

Besides, how hard can it be? Just find a cobra in the midst of the African desert, kill it, grab it by the tail, then hold it up for a picture like you just caught a fifty-pound sea-bass. The venom found within a cobra is venomous believe it or not! The reason cobras are able to support the venom is because of their rare blood type which acts as a defence in order to balance it out. So while you are extracting the venom from the inadequate cobra you just single handedly murdered, you may want to grab some of it’s blood while you’re at it. Oh, and just a heads up, that rush you so desperately desired while hunting for this drug, maybe very well be quenched during the process of the hunt.

The extracted venom is commonly blended into alcoholic drinks after being converted into a powder-like substance.

DO NOT keep this beside your Kool-Aid Mix!

Cobra venom is referred to as a “party drug” because it boosts your energy for a long period of time. Red Bull gives you wings, but this gives you wings, a sword, laser eyes, AND those shoes with wheels built into them! Victims of this drug are reported to be so so high that “they don’t know where they are or what they are doing”, which is great if you hate where you are and who you’re doing.

From retrieving the venom, to consuming the venom, to waking up the next morning hissing like a snake, this drug is a guaranteed good time. If snorting cobra venom in the bathroom stall doesn’t make you prom king, I don’t know what will.

Honourable Mention: Bath Salts

Unfortunately this was just short of making the list. Sniffing bath salts has just become too mainstream. Everyone is doing bath salts these days, why do you think ‘Bath and Body Works’ has been so successful recently? You don’t want to fall into the generic crowd. Plus, I hear the side-effects are pretty nuts; avoid this drug and save face.

I know this list can be a little intimidating. If you’re worried about your health (pussy) then just relax and have some faith. After all, I took all of these drugs and I feel just finesmn.’;a#4mls.o&ek^)d8vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

– Michael Porfirio

Leave a comment

The Mini-Egg Secret

Some people consider Easter to be about spending time with your family. Others appreciate it for the religious origins, reminding themselves that Jesus died for our sins. The real meaning of Easter, however, is about eating so many Cadbury Mini-Eggs that you no longer feel human.

For too long the Mini-Egg phenomena has possessed us all with a blood thirsty fixation for the chocolate, degrading us to the point where we become extras in The Walking Dead. It’s about time someone reached the bottom of this delicious mystery, therefore I decided to take the courageous step forward and find out. I flew down to Cadbury headquarters in Uxbridge, London, England where I spoke to Kevin Sikora, the  CEO of the tasty Cadbury Mini-Egg franchise.

Immediately into the conversation, I thanked him for all his hard work, explaining to him how Cadbury Mini-Eggs have changed my life for the better.

Sikora laughed playfully, stating “Thank you very much. To be honest, I hear that a lot. There are many cases where people will be suffering from heavy depression, and through the consumption of Mini-Eggs, all their troubles seem to fade.”

To my surprise, Sikora informed me that “recently doctors have started to medically prescribe Cadbury Mini-Eggs to their mentally ill patients”.

Despite my fascination with the candy legend, I managed to bring myself back to reality and focus on the real reason I traveled to Britain. The chocolate eggs are without question a delectable treat, but there is an addictive quality to them as well. My primary concern was to discover the ingredients within the Mini-Egg which keeps us coming back for more year after year. Although Cadbury is infamously known for protecting their formula, Sikora was more than generous enough to share his magical mixture.

“Well to be honest we like to keep things simple when we make our chocolate. We begin with all natural cocoa butter, then we throw in some sugar, add in some crystal meth, and then we top it off with non-fat milk powder”.

It all seemed so easy; however, I was sure there was something missing. There must have been a piece of the process Sikora was attempting to hide. The experience that Cadbury Mini-Eggs offer their consumers is so much more than the simple ingredients he listed. Despite his stone cold stubbornness, I was able to break Sikora and have him admit the key factor when making the candy. With a sigh of exhaust, Sikora looked me in the eye and confidently shared Cadbury’s darkest secret.

“After the chocolate is delicately coated in a candy shell and the entire operation is completed, we send the final products to the ‘happiness room’; waiting there is a faculty of 200 well trained scientists, along with 400 newborn babies. From here, we are able to stimulate and capture the beautiful laughter of the newborn babies, and then inject that laughter into the Cadbury Mini-Eggs.”

Following his shocking reveal, we shared a lengthy moment of silence. There were a number of questions running through my head. For example, “where did he get these babies from?”, “how does he contain their laughter?” and  “did he say crystal meth at one point?” Despite these burning questions, I decided to ignore them. I had received the information I came for, and the bottom line was more evident than ever before. Cadbury Mini-Eggs are a majestic part of human nature, some scholars are even calling them the eighth wonder of the world. The enormous power that one tiny chocolate egg can hold has been pushed beyond the existence of humanity. A world without Mini-Eggs is a dark place full of destruction, hatred, and those knock-off chocolate eggs that taste terrible. Reflect on these thoughts, because although Easter has passed, it is never too late to be thankful for the brightness bestowed upon us every year in the form of candy eggs.

– Michael Porfirio

Leave a comment

How to Survive Your First Month of School

There is a small chance you will not survive your first month of university. Do not panic; I am more than confident you will survive. Simply follow my advice and you will sail through your first month of school without any bruises, bank loans or broken hearts. You can trust me. After all, I’m alive and well.

Try not to keep to yourself

The first month of school is an anxious time for every student going into first year. You’re nervous and excited all at once, and chances are everyone around you is feeling the exact same way. They need your comfort just as much as you need theirs.

This is a completely new environment that offers the opportunity to start fresh.

So maybe you picked your nose a lot in high school, and maybe your nickname was “booger boy”, but we don’t know that.

Throw on a leather jacket, grease your hair back and keep your finger out of your nose.

We will automatically think that you’re cool. “Look at that cool guy in the leather jacket, it’s 32 degrees outside but weather isn’t the boss of him!”

Introduce yourself as much as you possibly can. Join an intramural team or a club. Make sure you know at least three people from each of your enrolled classes.

When you accidentally sleep through a lecture because you were up all night partying, you’ll appreciate having someone who can send you their notes. More importantly, as exam time quietly approaches, it helps to be part of a study group.

This is a University, therefore you are surrounded by (for the most part) intellectual people.

Studying on your own has its advantages, but you can learn a lot from your peers.

Even outside of academics, when all of a sudden your toaster breaks down during a crucial power-breakfast, you will be thankful that the first week of school you met that girl who is majoring in ‘toaster-repair’ and can help you get those morning nutrients you deserve.

Do not fall in love

It’s harder than you think. Frosh week alone you will meet many smart, funny and attractive people. “Aww, c’mon! Can’t I just fall in love with one person?” No. “Two?” No. Feel free to flirt.

In fact, flirt up a storm; no need to settle down with anyone at this point. If you meet someone amazing, then good for you. Hold on to them as a close contact for now.

The reason behind this, is that the first month of school is like the first store you enter in a mall. Yes, there will be a very stylish pair of jeans but don’t you dare buy those jeans and head home. Look at them, maybe try them on, put them back and then continue shopping.

If you finished searching the other stores and those jeans you first saw are still the best, go ahead and buy them.

For those of you who struggle with extended metaphors, allow me to clarify: do not commit to someone within the first month when you have an entire year left of school.

I know that guy with the leather jacket you met the first week is awesome, but chances are you will meet someone better (a guy with 2 leather jackets). Give it time, there should be no rush to enter into a relationship.

Now, there may be a few of you who are entering university already in a relationship. If your significant other is living noticeably far away, I think you should seriously consider making a change.

Some couples make it work, most cannot. I believe it is better to break up now then go through an entire year of Skype calls, only to break up sometime in the future then drown yourself with regret.

Spend your money wisely

Listen here Zuckerberg, I know you made a lot of money this summer and you’re feeling on top of the world, but maybe you should think before eat at The Keg the entire month.

Some of you are financially responsible for tuition, food, textbooks, residence and transportation. Regardless, you are students; the money you’re spending now is going to be very helpful at the end of the year.

If you are of age, the bars and clubs in Waterloo are fantastic. However, they will suck your money faster than you can say, “should I try out the mechanical bull?”. If you’re not of age, good luck with the fake I.D! Keep in mind that no one believes you’re visiting from New Brunswick.

Having to borrow money from your friends the last few weeks of school is horrifying and uncomfortable. Try not to let that happen. Grab a calculator and subtract the money you’ll need to support yourself academically.

Based on your eating habits, figure out how much money you can spend towards food each day.

Once you have those two numbers calculated, the remaining money is what you can spend on leisure. Say goodbye to the big name brands of beer, and say hello to Old Milwaukee tallboys (it only tastes like soap for the first couple weeks or so).

If you can organize your money and control your spending, it will help you have a more successful year.

The advice given above is not only to help you survive, but mainly to provide you with the right steps to take during the first month of school. This ultimately leads to a better experience throughout the entire year.

Find a pattern that works for you and stick to it. You can survive the first month of university.

I believe in you. Your family believes in you. Two of your five professors believe in you.

Leave a comment

Who Wants BlackBerry Crumble?

Recently, the most popular method of communication, especially for young adults, has been courtesy of Research in Motion, otherwise known as RIM, the maker of that BlackBerry you refuse to put down.

Some see RIM as the powerful company that put Waterloo on the map, others see a business that is on an uncontrollable downward spiral towards bankruptcy. I simply see BlackBerries as the children of Apple; sure there are lots of them out there, but they’re still learning how to do what daddy does.

The big news recently surrounding RIM was the departure of former CEOs Jim Balsillie and Mike Lazaridis. They stepped down from their controlling positions and handed the job to Thorsten Heins, a 54-year-old German physicist. Heins denied rumours of selling the company and according to the Globe and Mail claimed, “We are going to do this ourselves.”

I think we can all appreciate the ambition of Mr. Heins, but he has a lot of work ahead of him while Lazaridis and Balsillie are busy FaceTiming each other.

I’m no tech expert, nor do I have any insight into the troubled company, but from the surface I can name a few visible BlackBerry problems (and I won’t even touch the Playbook).

The oh-so-popular BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) is the key to the success of the smart phone’s franchise. The quick-paced texting and the personalized addition of display pictures, emoticons and status updates was the major factor giving BlackBerry the upper-hand over the iPhone.

Unfortunately, “My BBMs aren’t sending” was the most popular phrase of 2011. Even when the BlackBerry Network dropped for just five minutes, it stirred a panic amongst students; there was screaming, there was crying and relationships suffered. Now try an entire day without BBM…

“OKAY!” they said.

On Oct. 10, 2011, BlackBerry users had to go 24 hours without communicating through their messenger – a day also known as hell.

No, they do not want to have to resort to texting. No, they do not want to have to resort to e-mail. A phone call? What is that? Clearly you’re not understanding how severe this was. In fact, immediately after there was a drastic movement of BlackBerry users switching over to iPhones as a surge in preorders were made for the product. That could be the result of Apple releasing the new iPhone 4S, or it could be related to the lack of success BlackBerry was having in the stock market. Regardless, customers were lost, and once you go iPhone, you never go back.

“Let me get this straight. I can play games that DON’T consist of me breaking bricks with a 2D paddle?” exclaim new iPhone users.

It is apparent that the BlackBerry app world is a big fail in comparison to the iPhone app store. On top of that, the utilities, web browsing, camera, built in MP3 system and overall smoothness of the BlackBerry are a few steps behind Mr. Jobs and the innovative Apple team.

So what is keeping RIM alive? The answer is BBM; therefore BlackBerry can’t afford to have their number one go-to application down every second week.

Yes, there are certainly some areas where BlackBerry can step-up their game, and I’m sure once you roll up the RIM there are a few more flaws deep within their core. However, this should not be a sign to jump off the bandwagon as soon as possible. Keep in mind this is not only a Canadian company, but a Waterloo production as well. If we simply standby and watch the S.S. BlackBerry sink, the entire economy of Waterloo will suffer. More importantly, Waterloo Region will go back to being known as that place with the butterfly conservatory.

Until then, the least we can do is cross our fingers and hope Mr. Heins has some new ideas to bring to the table. Perhaps he knows how to save a company. Come to think of it, I think Apple has an app for that.

Also, I’d just like to mention that I had no bias when writing this.

— Sent from an iPhone 4

Leave a comment

How to Become Famous

Now is the time where children everywhere scramble through websites and toy shops, compiling a long list of what they want to see under the Christmas tree on Dec. 25. The latest Barbie doll or action figure is sure to put a smile on the face of any toddler with a short attention span, but college kids are another story.

Just consider how picky you are. No, video games will not work because there is nothing the guys in your life want to play that they don’t already have. Oh, and don’t you dare try giving her another book because her closet is currently full of the novels her parents bought her from the past ten years.

We are approaching the year 2012, and right now there is only one thing young people need — to be famous.

I’ll admit, fame is a difficult present to throw in a box and tie a bow around; however, we now live in a time where it is easier than ever to become famous.

A good place to start is a little website known as YouTube. In 2008, Justin Bieber uploaded a few videos to YouTube of him singing, showcasing his talent to the entire world. All Justin Bieber wanted for Christmas that year was his two front teeth, but instead he received millions of dollars and Selena Gomez — well done Santa.

The benefit of uploading a video to the Internet is the possibility of it going viral. Within minutes, a video can be sent across the globe to a mass number of people. The best part is it doesn’t even have to be good — just ask Rebecca Black. So pull out the camera and start singing, or dancing, or juggling. To be honest, you can probably get away with simply filming your baby cousin laughing.

Sometimes it is best to take the easy and undeserved route to fame: reality television. Reality TV exists whether you like it or not. And since you can’t stop it, you might as well join it. There is a reality show for everything. Hunting snakes, building houses, hoarding objects, shining shoes — you name it, television has it. In fact, one in every six people you see has their own reality TV show (according to AReallyReliableSource.com). Getting your very own reality show is easy because you literally do not need any talent.

Take the popular show Jersey Shore for example. They are a group of friends who party, tan, party, do laundry, party, workout, invent new words and even party occasionally. The worst part of watching an episode of Jersey Shore is having to wipe the blood off your ears and eyes afterwards.

Nevertheless, they are famous. Famous and rich. Famous and rich and orange. The cast is a walking example of how little effort you need to become a star.
I hope you are all taking notes on this. Obviously you can’t buy fame for your friends, roommate or significant other, but you can steer them in the right direction.

Instead of writing in a diary, encourage them to create a video blog. If they are singing in the shower, film it without their permission and put it on YouTube. Maybe even get ahead of the game and start replacing their moisturizer with tanning cream. These are the little steps that will bring your friends closer to fame (and maybe even earn yourself some spotlight while you’re at it).

Finally, if none of these strategies work, make a sex tape.

Leave a comment

Five Phrases That Really Need to Stop

5. “Cool story, bro”

Example: “I was so drunk with all my friends last night. I have friends and I get drunk”. “Cool story, bro. Can I hear it again?”

It was a cool story, and don’t call me “bro”. I get that you are being sarcastic but there are better ways to be funny. You are trying to be funny, right? The phrase derived from Superbad and eventually found it’s way onto t-shirts and Facebook memes. At first this quick retort was a brilliant response; perfect for dismissing someone’s irrelevant statements. Feed us this line once in a while, but please don’t jam it down our throats every ten seconds. Unfortunately that advice is too late, we’re already choking on this overused response.

4. “FTB: For The Boys”

Example: “Let’s go muck some pizza then get drunk, FTB.”

As long as there are hockey players, “FTB” will live on. No matter what you are doing, it is always “for the boys”. You may ask, who are these “boys” that we are constantly doing things for? Your friends and teammates are the boys. This phrase is way of showing your unselfish ways. A sense a community is created if you reassure the people around you that everything you do, you do it with, and for your boys. FTB people aren’t hard to find either: just look for the guys with the long hair wearing a snapback hat, preferably a Bass Pro Shop one – in Canada, there is bound to be one 25 meters from you at all times. Just when you think this was the most annoying phrase, you hear some girl yell, “Slumber party FTG”. That’s right, “For The Girls”. As much as we all want this to end, I think FTB and sadly FTG have at least another two years left in them. Just stay clear of fraternities.

3. “Sorry not sorry”

Example: “Hey Julia! Totally drank all of our wine coolers that I bought with my roommates. Sorry not sorry!”

It’s either one or the other, folks.

2. “That awkward moment when…”

Example: “That awkward moment when you’re so drunk at a party and you run into your ex boyfriend.”

I will personally pay to have this phrase removed from the world, just name your price. The word “awkward” use to be such a beautiful piece of the English language. Suddenly, teen girls kidnapped “awkward” and turned it into a repulsive sound of nothingness. At first, they chopped it into “awks” which if you perk your ears up can still hear being used. Although teen girls murdered “awkward”, Twitter was undoubtedly the accomplice. The hash tag “#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen…” went viral and everyone played their part in the crime. How could you not? It was an easy path towards a retweet. Now people use the phrase to describe scenarios that don’t even make sense. “That awkward moment when I’m hungry and there is nothing in the fridge.” No, that’s not awkward, that’s laziness. Just stop.

1. “YOLO”

Example: “On my way to cover my forearm with a Marilyn Monroe tattoo even though it will look like Queen Elizabeth when turn I 45, YOLO!”

Infamously coined by Canadian hip-hop artist Drake, YOLO is an acronym which stands for “You Only Live Once”; although Buddhists may disagree. In other words, YOLO is an excuse for people to do whatever the hell they want. It has become more than a phrase; it is a way of life. You only live once, so why not spend your tuition on a new car? You only live once, so why not cheat on your significant other? You only live once, so why not take advice from a song featuring Lil’ Wayne? YOLO has become a cultural phenomenon. Drake said, “Here, use this term” and we said “No thanks”, and then he held a gun to our head. It’s hard to tell when someone is using YOLO ironically or if they are actually stupid, I suppose that is the beauty of the term. However, it needs to go.

Leave a comment

Ikea’s “Manland” = Bad Idea

For Australia’s Father’s day weekend, an Ikea in Sydney unveiled their latest in-store project, “Manland”. Filled with foosball tables, free hot dogs, flat screen televisions that play non-stop sports and video games, Manland is a special room where women can drop off their husbands for the day while they shop. A temporary project that ran from Sept. 1st – 4th.
Don’t get too excited men, because (knowing IKEA) what ever cool things are in this “Manland” room, you’ll probably have to assemble yourself. Coming from a male perspective, I can assure you that a place for women to drop off their men before they shop is very condescending.

Despite how innovative the idea is, IKEA needs to understand that men are not little children. We’re big children. We need far more attention than a child would need. Unless there is a professionally trained supervisor in the Manland, I don’t think a group of men should be left alone in a room together. That situation will quickly turn into a jungle, where the more dominant men prevail. You hold the TV remote, you hold the power. Women will return to pick up their significant other only to find them covered in blood, feasting on the carcass of another man.

Besides, what does this leisure room have that men don’t have at home? A television? Comfortable couches? Food? Something tells me there will be a lot of homeless men in there claiming their wives are out shopping.

Listen women, letting your man off the hook by leaving him in a place with everything he needs to stay quiet (a chair and a TV) is just reinforcing the idea that he has no decision-making place in the relationship. Furniture shopping is a cute cliché that every couple must experience together. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to have someone else by your side as you roam the twisted halls of the Swedish building. If you have ever been there, you will know that escaping IKEA is a difficult task, even with arrows on the floor.

I have a friend who went into IKEA a couple weeks ago, and no one has seen him since. Is it even legal to go in there alone? Can someone verify that? Regardless ladies, it wouldn’t hurt to have your man by your side.

I’ll admit this will come in handy if your girlfriend forces you into an urgent IKEA run on Super Bowl Sunday, at least you will have a place to watch the game. Having said that, if your girlfriend is forcing you out on Super Bowl Sunday, it’s probably a good time to rethink the entire relationship to begin with.

Take a step back and really consider the idea as a whole. The only men that will make use of this Manland centre are the ones who refuse to shop. Now why would they be there to begin with if they don’t want to shop? We have free will; we can stay home if we choose to. Surely our role in the relationship isn’t to simply drive the women around.

If we choose to go to IKEA, it is because we want to shop and/or want to keep our girl company (none of which can be achieved from within the Manland).

Sorry IKEA, but I suggest you stick to funky furniture and meatballs.

Leave a comment

I’m a Bad Influence

Dear Mom,

I have been officially kicked out of my residence. WAIT! Let me explain … publicly that is. I figure I am going to be explaining this to a lot of people, so now I can direct them towards this article and completely forgo all human interaction. Yay, technology.

It all began with something known as Hawk Weekend. Ultimately, Hawk Weekend is a brief re-visitation of orientation week for first-year students. Everyone is divided up into their respective residences and games are played, chants are shouted and, inevitably, pranks are formulated.

I belong to the one and only all-guys residence know as Little House. I did not choose to be in an all-guys residence when applying (and I hope that was the case for everyone else) but shit happens, and after shit happens you flush the toilet, hopefully wash your hands and move on with life. Besides, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. The guys are cool and hardly any time is spent inside that testosterone hole anyway.

During Hawk Weekend, Conrad, one of the two all-girls residences, decided to sneak into our building late at night and paint our windows as well as other cute girl-like pranks. Posters were made, glitter and stickers were part of the process, I’d assume. Anyway, retaliation was the obvious thought.

The following night, a large group of guys, including myself, came together to devise a plan. When a large group of a guys come together a lot of food is consumed, a lot of Xbox is played and very little productivity is achieved. The final consensus was to circle the parameter of their residence and hopefully sneak at least one guy inside so that he can let in the rest; we would then form more of a plan once we all got inside.

Was it a weak idea? Yes. Was it also three in the morning though? Yes. So the Little House boys stormed out and to our surprise every single entrance was guarded by girls, most of whom were fully equipped with snowballs, most of which contained sharp ice. We attempted to fight back, but it was a relatively warm night and apparently they preserved snow from the previous week. I don’t really know how to explain the snow.

The night resulted in nothing — excluding some running, yelling and little bit more running, nothing was done. I considered going Trojan: secretly filling up a wooden horse with Little House boys and offering it to them as a gift, but I didn’t have the time or the supplies. A tremendous amount of respect should be given to the Conrad girls; they kept a solid and consistent night-watch routine throughout the entire night. We went back to our residence and slept.

The following morning seven boys had notes posted on their doors reporting them to meet with residence council regarding their actions at Conrad residence; only seven out of the large group that participated in the attempted prank had notes on their door. I was one of them. We, as group, met with our residence head co-ordinator and explained to her how we were unable to enter the building, let alone produce a successful prank. She informed us that toilets were flooded in Conrad residence and someone was running through the halls. Maybe some girl ate Mexican food that night and took it out on the toilets, and maybe that person “running through the halls” was simply appropriately reacting to a washroom flood.

Regardless of what happened, we did not enter the building. She gave us each a sheet of paper explaining how our “behaviour was very irresponsible and had the potential to hurt others,” as well as assigning us clean up duties to conclude Hawk Weekend. I did not attend this clean-up party because I did nothing but scream, run and take a snowball to the face. Also, I forgot.

Well that clean-up party was mandatory and my residence head co-ordinator was not happy; however, that was not the final blow. After returning from the meeting, I proceeded to highlight the part of the paper stating that I “was very irresponsible” and potentially “hurt others” and then stuck that on the front of my door, ironically, for everyone to see.

It was humourous for the boys knowing that we didn’t do anything that night, but it was also deemed disrespectful. I probably should have just shut the fuck up and cleaned.

So there it is Mom; that is the entire story. I am a bad influence to the boys on my floor, therefore I am being relocated to the residence across the parking lot ⎯ Mac House. Oh, and it’s a residence with girls. I’ll take it.

Sincerely, your rebellious son,

Michael Porfirio

Leave a comment